PART 32, TRYING FOR ANOTHER BLOG SERIES
Well this is unexpected. Don’t third pregnancies usually come earlier than the first two? Do I actually have my conception date wrong? Will labor actually start on its own?
I’ve been so patient and happily pregnant this whole time, but I hit a wall yesterday. Yesterday, 10/10, was the last day that I had been hoping for/expecting. And when it became clear that baby was not arriving, disappointment and worries set in. Why is baby not coming? Am I going to end up getting induced because I go that far? Is something wrong?
The last few days I haven’t been in a great mental space and haven’t been so pleasant to be around either. Over the weekend, my goal was just to stay busy so that I wasn’t “waiting” all the time. I’ve become irritable and short-tempered with my family. Then the mom guilt sets in as I think about how my time is about to be drastically taken away from them.
I love my little babies so much. They have brought me the greatest joy in my life, as Luc has as well, by co-creating such a positive house/family experience with me. Being “mom” to my two little ones is such an honor. And to think I’m about to embark on another of life’s greatest treasures- what a joy, what a blessing.
So I’m letting go of my expectations for the next few days. There’s much that I can do to enjoy these days. And there’s nothing that I need to worry about. Baby is happy and healthy in my womb. Everything will happen when it’s supposed to.
I walked 2.5 miles around Spring Lake this morning, a cold, foggy morning. I followed the dock up to the water, and welcomed baby Kaia or Marcus to enter through me, opening my body to be the vessel to bring this new life into the world. I give myself and my body to whatever this baby needs as it makes its way into this world. I surrender.
Today I am sitting amongst candles, listening to Sarah McLachlan, adding to Anders and Ella’s scrapbooks, and reminiscing about the beautiful memories of their childhoods so far. Seems like the perfect way to spend my last few days.
Oh, and I want to include this article: https://www.mothering.com/threads/the-last-days-of-pregnancy-a-place-of-in-between.1619798/ . Yesterday, after a phone conversation where my doula, Bee, talked me down from my frustrations, she sent me this beautiful article. I immediately felt understood.