PART 17, TRYING FOR ANOTHER BLOG SERIES
I’ve had a busy week, so haven’t had time to write much. Not much going on anyways. It’s the last week of school for my boys. Julian is graduating 6th grade and moving onto a new school for middle school, and Anders is finishing Kindergarten. They both had great school years, with teachers who are perfect for them.
I forgot to post a picture of our baby's anatomy scan, so I did that this time. Also, I wanted to add onto something from my last blog, about my sentiments on having a girl.
When I was pregnant with Ella, I was pretty sure it was going to be another boy. When we found out in the anatomy scan that it was a girl, I was shocked. I remember going to the bathroom, having my first moment to myself, and having a private little freakout session. My reaction actually surprised me. It wasn’t until then that I realized how fearful I was of raising a girl, and here’s why. To me, raising a girl comes with a whole additional set of complications. And I realize that this is probably a very biased, one-sided point of view, but it still feels true to me.
The complications mostly are around teaching her how to embody her femininity and sexuality. Female sexuality is often called a “power.” I see that, but how this power is wielded is where the hard part comes in. As a woman, I want to be feminine. I want to honor my sexuality, but I also don’t want to flaunt it. For as long as I can remember, I have felt guarded with my sexuality as a woman because, well, we are more vulnerable to attack. I’m not sure where/when I learned this, but I can remember when I was maybe twelve years old, my mom pointing out a man looking at me in a parking lot, and feeling really uncomfortable about it.
I also wasn’t raised with a framework for what it meant or looked like to honor your femininity, so I was not keen on exploring those qualities. Growing up, our family mostly heralded the male-dominant qualities: rationale, logic, sports, perseverance, and intellect (although we did have a love for the arts). Not much respect for the feminine was claimed or honored in my family, so I didn’t know what that looked like. In my adult years, I have navigated that a bit through books, and experiences, but I still don’t feel confident in modeling that for a daughter. Thankfully, I married a man who shows me regular honor and respect, and I am so grateful that that is being modeled for my children, but it is up to me to determine how I walk in that role.
As I write this I realize that I am presented with a great opportunity for self-growth: for me to navigate and honor my own femininity more, not only for my daughter/s, but for myself.
*I want to add that I am aware that this is only one aspect of what it means to be female. There are of course many more, and even more significant qualities to being female. And, I also understand that my children will in many ways determine their own path of how they identify with and demonstrate their own sexuality.